How One Mom Recovered Some Sexiness When She Realized She Looked Like A Dumpster Fire

Recently I discovered that I look like a bag of dog shit. 

Not my fault entirely…

I don’t exactly have uninterrupted time in the morning to execute any of this:

Brush my teeth

Curl my hair

Wash my face

Apply makeup

Select an outfit that doesn’t look homeless.

You know the drill. Even if you’re not a mom, putting yourself together fully can be such a thing. 

Most mornings with two children ages 2 and 1, I burst out of bed to a child either crying or kicking the side of their crib, and I’m lucky if I get a bra on. Bras are fully needed to keep my droopy post-breastfeeding boobs from skimming the floor as I walk. 

Ya know, before I had kids, I would hear mothers say:

I barely have time to eat! 

Aaaaand I honestly didn’t understand this statement… 

How do you NOT have time to eat with sweet little children who just watch Disney movies all day??? Silly woman! 

BUT now that I’m a mom:

I fully get it. 

I’m that woman who has to strategize how to eat something that resembles a full meal. It’s like an alarm goes off in children the minute I sit down to consume a hot meal.

I even realized that my digestion was starting to be thwarted by not eating consciously, eating in a hurry, eating walking around…so I had to figure out what cartoon would hypnotize the kids long enough so I can eat in a state so my body doesn’t try to digest whilst in a state of panic.

Given I was dealing with that very common scenario, it’s no wonder that sexiness slipped my sleep-challenged mind. 

I kind of thought I had a free hall pass when it came to looking hot as a mom, I’ll admit. And sometimes, F you, world— I do.

But on the regular, I realized I let my appearance slip. And when I say “slip,” I mean PLUMMET into a cavern where only blind bioluminescent marine organisms live. (This makes me think of the depth of the Mariana Trench and HOW SCARY THAT MUST BE DOWN THERE.) 

Alas, recently my boyfriend told me that I looked like I didn’t care anymore if I looked sexy.

And he was right; I stopped caring. 

I fell so far down into the Mariana Trench of Sweatpants that I just stopped conceiving of my appearance altogether. 

I felt like a walking facilitator of children’s happiness, food, entertainment, education, ad infinitum. Know the feeling?  

I deal with SO MUCH cleanup all the time, that giving a crap if my tits are lifted enough whilst sweeping up crumbs and wiping down a high chair juuuuuuust wasn’t happening. 

Not only my children— but I have a dog who needs to be walked several times a day otherwise he climbs up the walls or starts gnawing on one of the cats. 

And though I have two large breed Maine Coon cats that are really just dogs with less energy, email surveys collected have reported that they don't want to be chewed on by a neglected golden retriever. Ya never know until you survey! (Marketing tip of the day.) 

Factually, I got to a point that I wasn’t even sure feeling sexy was even possible. I felt like my vagina was like a PTSD war victim still quivering from memories of labor. My boobs looked so stretched, it’s like they’ve been playing tug-of-war with a 1992 Buick Lesabre (aka, my first car). 

And honestly, it’s hard to switch from Mom Mode to Sexy Mode, when I play disciplinarian (or more often, dictator) to two boys learning to share. 

There’s also the physical component to being a mom of little kids:

You need to wear clothes that are agreeable to the activity which you are doing. 

What you wear what’s gonna make sense, yo. 

You don’t see the garbage man wearing red-bottomed heels to work. (Maybe in Dubai?) 

Navy Seals don’t wear push-up bras or lip gloss. Right? I don’t run into many to ask. 

Strippers don’t wear snowsuits to work (unless select areas would be cut out…).

Everyday I’ve been wearing the most performance-related outfit for my job as a mom:

Comfortable, flexible, sweat resistant (I live in a hot climate and don’t need more under-boob sweat, thanks). 

I devised a legit list of super smart reasons why I couldn’t be sexy. 

1. Dangling earrings? Not trying to get those ripped out of my ears today, thanks. 

1. Makeup? Would love to, but it’ll get sweated off by lunch because hot climate + children with sticky hands + multiple dog walks = I’m gross by noon. 

1. Pants that fit last year now feel TIGHT because post-partum body still not looking like Margo Robbie. 

But… despite my good reasons and tale of woes:

I had to figure out something. 

I couldn’t let myself continue to look like a Jackson Pollock painting. 

Soooo… 

How in tarnation do you get sexy when you’re swirling in a Wizard Of Oz tornado of crumbs, meal prep, clean up, sweat, and feeling pooped?

HOW, ask you! 

Well, I came up with some tips to help me out, which may help you too if you feel like a mud puddle. 

Though none of these tips are novel enough to win a Nobel Prize, how I implemented them may help you, specifically the headspace required to carve out time for you. 

HOW TO GET SEXY TODAY AS A MOM (spoken with a megaphone)

1. Move your beauty supplies to a bathroom that’s proximal to where your kids play.  

Something upstairs in the confines of my bathroom frankly isn’t going to get used consistently unless I move my kids upstairs too. I can’t leave little kids downstairs while I primp upstairs like a Kardashian while they ignite furniture or let the cats out into the street to get run over by cars and die (morbid, I know, but experience talks here). 

Bottom line: if something is accessible and easy to use, it will more likely get used. 

1. Buy clothes that don’t squeeze you. That let your tits breathe… 

Which means you may be buying a lot of clothes honestly. At least I have… I’ve noticed I spend a lot of money on clothes because of the sheer number of times my body changes in size from: 

• Before having a baby

• To after having a baby

• To even a year after having a baby. 

So yeah, like how do you SHOP while you’re already so freaking busy?!

Find 5 online retailers you can regularly scroll through their clothes. The mindset is you’re always shopping (even if you hate shopping). You’re consistently seeing what’s out there in order to build your wardrobe to a quantity of things you ACTUALLY like, so you have more of a pool of non-frumpy clothes to pick from. 

This is important in order to increase the odds you’re going to pluck something from your closet that’s not worn out by the wash, and that’s in your NOW size. 

You don’t wait for a glorious weekend of mimosas and unlimited mosey-around-the-mall time. You make it a habit to consistently see what clothes are out there so you’re constantly creating your look—

Which really is a part of consistently flowing energy into a more sexy you. 

Don’t WAIT to adorn yourself… starting making it a mental habit, and luckily with smartphones these days, it’s easy to see what clothes are out there.  

1. Using screentime. 

Look, I know that screentime isn’t a popular thing to advertise to parents, and I do have the goal of minimizing it everyday. I spend a lot of time with my kids reading books, taking them outside, doing puzzles, etc. 

But in 2024, I literally don’t know how to get some things done without my kids being 100% occupied. Showering, that basic thing, is difficult to do with kids who are young. When my infant goes down for his nap, I position my toddler in front of a cartoon I know he loves, and I shower. And I love it. And I don’t feel bad about “too much screentime,” because I matter too. 

1. Know that it’s going to take more effort to look good. 

Ugh. Sorry. This is a mindset thing. You need to funnel some attention points and effort toward looking good because you’ve already proven to yourself that if you put no attention on it?

You morph into a crypt keeper. (Self included, obvs!) 

1. Exercise. 

You have to keep your body fit and tone and that’s going to take consistent exercise in whatever way you can make it happen for you. 

Worth repeating: 

In whatever way you can make happen for YOU. 

I’ve found when it comes to exercise, consistency is more important than intensity. I’ve seen people injure themselves with too much intensity, or take themselves out of exercise for weeks at a time because they pushed too hard for themselves. 

But consistency? That’ll always, eventually get you to your goal. 

1. A bit of makeup. 

Do a few things… you may not be able to have a full face of makeup with contouring and false eyelashes and lip liner, but if you wash your face, throw on a tinted sunscreen (SPF or die, people!), blush and some tinted chapstick… you’ve done more than straight-up nothing. 

Even if you’re a no-makeup kind of person, some tinted chapstick or lip balm will make you feel a little more elevated and non-regular. And being sexy is basically about feeling and looking non-regular. 

1. Buy new lingerie NOW. 

Even just underwear that hasn’t been stained by 12 periods. You know you need it. 

1. Stop defaulting to sweatpants. 

God, I know this is hard, as I sit here writing this in sweatpants (*slaps self with a cold fish*). Even investing in some refined jogger sweatpants that provide a cuter fit is a step in the right direction.

1. Stand up or sit up straight. 

Posture communicates strength and confidence. If your shoulders are cashed from years of breastfeeding, consider chiropractic or physical therapy care to unbind those muscles, free ‘em up. I’ve had to get help here because before hunching over as a mom, I hunched over a computer for decades. Pretty much can guarantee you need some help with your shoulders to assist with your posture. 

Am I doctor? No. 

But could I be? Also, no. But girl, get a massage or something. You are a mom, and that’s enough reason. 

1. Reduce eating sugar. 

Easier than EVER in a world where there are keto options available. Not saying you have to be on the keto diet at all, but that diet has made available many food options that are low in sugar. 

Sugar has been proven to accelerate aging, so unless you’re trying to look like the Grim Reaper sooner than later, you need to drastically reduce sugar. 

You’ll feel better, look better, think better (say good-bye to “brain fog!). You’ll sleep better. Everything better. 

Our livers can’t process that much sugar on the daily, so limit your sweetness intake to sugar-substitutes or occasional fruit. Trust me (a stranger on the internet who deserves your trust!) that you will never look back and wish you hadn’t eaten less or no sugar. 

1. Get your nails done!

‘Nuff said. It makes you feel like a queen, and these dipped nails they do these days? Turn your flimsy nails into lacquered tools. I can peel up ANY sticker stuff to the floor with nails done; challenge me. 

Alas… 

The bottom line: 

If you want your sexiness quotient to grow— even a little bit— you need to flow some energy there. 

But don’t see it as a chore, see it as a way to flourish yourself and honor your inner goddess. Or empress. Or Wonder Woman. WHATEVER. You get my point.

Some time, a long time ago. You twirled around in a skirt and chased butterflies and giggled about flowers tickling your nose. That little girl is still in you somewhere, so let’s bring her out just a bit. 

Last point:

Know that some days are a crapshoot, and you never had a chance to brush your teeth or wash your hair. Ya know what? Who cares. There’s always tomorrow.