How Does She Do It All? Answer: She Doesn't, and Hooray For That.

You see the social media posts…

The woman with perfectly blonded hair, sporting the most illustrious blow-out you’d ever imagine. Abs and butt so tight you’d swear she sleeps in a squat position with college textbooks balanced on her head.

Her skin looks like her morning smoothies consist of freshly farmed stem cells, and her house looks like a Restoration Hardware showroom. Her color-coordinated children are shown gleefully eating broccoli while sitting with vertical posture at the kitchen table. And if you were allowed to see it:

Her vagina’s so tight it could pick up legos from the living room.

You see this reel of perfection online and (begrudgingly) sigh:

How DOES she do it all?

You:

You feel frumpy with your now droopy boobs skimming your belly, and your sweatpants feel EXTRA sweatpanty. Not cute running joggers. I'm talking about your Period Sweatpants— the faded baggy ones you wear when you’re bloated and looking like a manatee.

Your skin is blotchy, and you wonder if you're at the age where need to spend $200 on dermatologist-issued skincare. You ponder Botox and fillers. You wonder if this precise moment of sitting down, right now, should inspire you to get clenching on those kegal exercises you read about. Buuuuuuut you're tired.

Really tired. And you want a moment of respite, not another thing to do.

Yet retreating to social media on your phone when you have a second to breathe often comes with orchestrated content that makes you question yourself. Even though you try to avoid it.

Why can’t you just have your ish a little more together?

You put down your phone.

Because the truth is, this ever-present reminder of not-being-enough isn't just on social media.

You see women out and about who just LOOK like they are gliding through motherhood with self-tightening abs and endless patience. Those OTHER women don't lose their cool on toddlers, I bet. Right?

How are those other women doing it ALL?

Girl—

No woman is single-handedly doing it all.

FIRST, as I step upon my podium stacked of stuffed animals:

Dooooooo I need to explain to you the pretense that IS social media? DO I!?!?!?! Because I will. Don’t test me! I will reach through this screen and grab your moisturized neck (I've just started so I assume everyone else has been...) and shake your skull. I WILL.

Repeat after me:

Social media is not real. Say it again.

I know you know this. You're a smart person who pays her taxes and stops at red lights. You're no dingus.

But wait, social media B.S aside. You may argue that you DO see real life, in-the-flesh Crossfit female bodies walking around in life who do legitimately look like they have it all together.

Not a wrinkle in sight!

Manicure done!

Butt tight and defying gravity!

Others are CLEARLY mastering doing it all, and you're just not cutting it. A step or two behind. Running uphill in quick sand while crocodiles chomp at your chin hair (gotta trim that).

In my 37 trips around the sun, I've discovered from working under and with soooooo many kinds of people that

NO ONE IS DOING IT ALL.

I’ll repeat. No one is doing it all, and this particularly applies to mothers who 100% feel like they should be.

Here’s a quick list of truths about those who seem to be doing it all:

• They have help.

• If they don’t, priorities siphon to the top of the get-it-done list.

• And other things, fall to the bottom, never to be addressed at least until later.

• And then there’s the Rule of Three.

Oooooohhhh, WHAT is this saucy “rule” she speaks of?!

This, my friend, is what I lovingly call Jenn Science, a true science based on me, and that’s it. What could be more SCIENCE than that?! It's like science from the 1950's when doctors told pregnant women to smoke cigarettes. I jest, I jest... my science won't cause real harm, but it could inspire you to love yourself more, so keep reading...

THREE seems to be a pretty darn excelente number. (Bear with me, practicing my Spanish. Ole!)

I’ve empirically noticed in my life that three is a legit number to apply in certain situations…

• Give a relationship 3 months before you decide it’s valid.

• Give a new city 3 months before you decide if you can groove there.

• New job? 3 months will tell you if it's a fit.

• Abusive relationship— give it 3 seconds, then bolt.

• Rule of thirds in photography, anyone?

• Joke-writing consists of lining up 2 related concepts, and then the third item switches gears to elicit laughter in the reader/listener.

Example joke from Jon Stewart:

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

What I discovered is that you can do about three things expertly well in your life, and then outside those 3 things... well, things get dicey. Not saying you can't do more than three things (obviously you can, but say hi to wrinkles and a dry vagina), but the amount of dedicated attention that can be attributed to more than 3 activities trails off.

Real life example. The three things in my life which get THE critical attention are:

• My family (2 toddlers and a boyfriend)

• My spiritual enhancement

• Housecare, cooking, pets, making sure house doesn't implode in a fire

Am I doing other things besides the aforementioned three? YES, this blog for example.

But truthfully, I fit this in when I can. It’s not getting Navy Seal-esque attention. (Side note: just google Navy Seal training... unreal what those guys do.) I work out a few days a week to make sure I don’t get diabetes or whatever disease is trending these days.

I do a some self care in the form of new skin care and new clothes just for fun and to ensure I don’t feel and look like a Halloween prop. I take a hot bath every once in awhile.

But am I working out the way I probably should be considering I had 2 kids back to back and I’m 37 and my telomeres are starting to be like SEEEEE YAAAAAAAA BBBBIIIITCHHHHHH. No, I’m not. That would honestly require 2 hours of working out 5 days a week. I do what I can, and I'm okay with that.

Do I spend hours a day nurturing my creative thrusts and write, write, write? Do I do standup religiously every single week, spending hours hashing out and re-hashing out jokes? Do I do improv basically at ALL right now?

No, because my family comes first at this stage of my existence, and my kids are too young to leave alone at home so I can go to piss-stained club where strangers will sneer at my jokes.

Creative endeavors are not coming FIRST right now in my life. And to be clear, that isn't a woe-is-me statement;

I chose my life, and I know that I chose it.

The three things I do WELL as hell are listed above. Everything else takes somewhat of a back seat. I’m not victimizing myself. I have chosen consciously with full awareness what I have chosen, and I love it to pieces. All these words typed on this page are intended to get YOU to look at what three things are you willingly and truly able to give dogged attention to and go for gold at doing.

And the other stuff?

You delegate (if you can), or it kind of goes to the wayside... a bit... for now. AND THAT’S OKAY. Because trying to do a billion things AMAZINGLY will drive you insane.

There is such a thing as TOO much going on, and too little going on... so you're looking for the happy medium wherein you have enough going on where you're challenged and life is moving and grooving, but you're not overwhelmed because you're playing an impossible game to win.

Choose the games that you want to play, and play to win.

Remember:

No one wins when you feel like the Wicked Witch of the West.

But everyone wins when you KNOW what you are doing, and you do it. In fact, that’s not only the definition of competency, but it’s the route to certainty and high morale. And couldn’t you do with more of that?